Plum Crazy

“What was I thinking?” raced through my mind on repeat, matching the pounding of my heart.

Deep breaths and desperate prayers were all that kept me afloat in the storm raging inside me.

Like Peter, at first courageous, eyes on Jesus, walking on water—then suddenly fearful and sinking—I cried from the depths of my soul:

“Lord, save me!”

What had induced such overwhelming panic?

Too many changes too quickly. My nervous system thrives on predictability, with just a sprinkle of novelty—but the past week’s demands had exceeded my capacity.

It screamed for relief, yet I didn’t have peace about changing anything. I did have peace about each thing I’d already taken on.

And yet, here I was, shaking with fear, simply needing to survive each wave as it crashed over me.

This spring has already been a lot.

We added more baby chicks than I’m willing to admit—hello, chicken math—a duckling, and we’ve been collecting duck eggs to incubate. Not long before, I picked up Ron and began bottle-feeding him.

I’d been watching for a red ewe lamb, hoping to add one to our flock around the time we would be getting Harry.

Then, out of the blue, not one but two newborn bottle-fed red ewe lambs from the same breeder we got Vlad, Cho, and Luna from last spring were offered to me at a great price.

I began to pray over whether to bring these two lambs home.

As I prayed over whether to say yes or no to the two ewe lambs, I was reminded by Tara-Leigh Cobble with The Bible Recap: trust in God for His protection and provision—not in what we can acquire ourselves.

The timing? Not great. My schedule was jam-packed, my nervous system fried. And yet, I felt a gravitational pull toward saying yes.

On a day already overflowing with responsibilities, after a string of overly-full days that left me depleted… I said a scared yes. I chose to trust. I drove the hour and a half, my youngest in tow, and picked up the two ewe lambs—barely twenty-four hours old.

Cue the panic attacks. Not because my faith had failed, but because my body was responding to cumulative stress and sudden change. Even stepping out in trust, saying yes to God’s calling, my nervous system didn’t simply accept the change quietly.

Instead, it sounded the alarms—loudly, wave after wave—reminding me to heed my very real limits.

The addition of two newborn lambs tipped the scales atop an already full life: caring for so many animals, navigating the challenges of three children in three very different stages of life, and the cumulative wear on my body and mind—all combined to amplify the intensity.

My nervous system wasn’t telling the whole story, but it demanded that I honor its needs.

I don’t remember when I had my first panic attack—before age six, for sure—but I learned early to b r e a t h e : slow, deep, deliberate breaths; to recite Scripture; to sing hymns on repeat.

I reached once again toward these familiar Scriptures and hymns, anchors that held me steady while the waves of panic knocked me sideways again and again.

“The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.” – Psalm 23:1

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” – 2 Timothy 1:7

🎶 “Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him! How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er. Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus! O for grace to trust Him more!” 🎶 – ‘Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” – Proverbs 3:5-6

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” – Hebrews 11:1

Faith that sees every piece of the puzzle is no faith at all.

I felt like Indiana Jones standing on the edge of a cliff, holding my breath, taking a step of faith, and hoping against hope that the bridge was there.

I still don’t know how this will turn out. I cannot see the path ahead. Perhaps I am just plum crazy.

Or perhaps God has a plan for His glory and my good.

For now, I’m just hanging on and riding the waves.

“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you.” – Isaiah 26:3

The journey continues on May 2 with Banded for Life.